Thursday, 26 September 2013

Encyclopedic Knowledge and Christmas Stock

Where have I been? Why haven't I posted? Well the truth is I've been in prison for aggravated assault of a customer with a leek... Had you going there for a second didn't I? Did you actually think I would do such a thing?... It was actually with a frozen leg of lamb.

Anyway, lets crack on shall we. I'll start off with a subject that's been steadily getting on my nerves over the last couple of weeks and that's encyclopedic knowledge, or lack there of. As a customer service assistant it's often my job to help customers locate products and be up to speed on the latest offers. After a while, it's rather difficult keeping up with any offers we have because a lot of them get rotated so quickly, plus I'm often not working during the change over, so I'm just as clueless as the customers.

As my day progresses I often deal with countless customer queries, the most often being where certain stock is located. Store policy dictates, not only should I describe in detail where it is and how to get to it, I should also act as your guide and show you exactly where it is. That's fine, I don't mind leading people around the shop like the worlds most depressed tour guide. "Now on the left are the remains of my shattered dreams. To the right is the statue of loathing."

Sometimes though, I have no idea where a certain product is or if we even sell the damn thing! When that happens it's my job to find out. This will often add, maybe 40 seconds to a minute before I can give an answer. This isn't good enough for most people, oh-fucking-no! "Shouldn't you know? You do work here after all!" yes I do work here but I don't intimately know every little product we stock. That's thousands of items. I can't know them all and the day that I do, I'll bludgeon myself with a table leg. Again, with most of the things I complain about, it sounds trivial; But it's so soul destroying for someone to stand there and expect more from you when you're giving 100%. Then when I try to explain how I can't know everything about offers and stocks, only to receive a sneer and a derogatory comment, it drives me insane.

Yes, again. I know it's trivial. However I don't know why it's so difficult for people to understand that sometimes I just don't fucking know everything and just because I don't know that one time, I'm suddenly the scum of the earth. Hey, all the stuff I do know about working in retail amounts to the saddest specialty subject if I ever go on a weekly trivia game show!

Speaking of sad, the Christmas stock is in! I bet you've noticed and I bet you've probably bought some of it too. Yes, yes, I know "Your stocking it earlier every year!" I FUCKING KNOW! Everyday someone comes in and points out how silly it is to have Christmas stock out at this time of year, and voicing their pointless drivel of an opinion at me like I'm the grand master of stock control.

"Yes, that's Christmas stock. Yup, it's for sale. Why are we stocking it now? Oh I don't know... Well, perhaps you, as a mindless consumer is to blame? No hear me out! Every year when all the supermarkets start to stock seasonal products, you buy them. You do. You buy them in early September and continue to do so up until Christmas that's a lot of profit for something that's classed as a product for December. So next year they release that stock even earlier and you still buy from release up until fucking Christmas, giving the big super markets more profit, you are literally telling them with your money that you want it earlier, if you don't want it at that time... Don't buy it! Then you moan at me, and complain to me, the lowly store worker, as if it's my fucking fault. Go away you feeble excuse for a human!" - Is what I would say if I wasn't trained to focus on customer service and by trained, I mean reading 3 paragraphs about how people want  you to smile like a brain dead server robot.

So yes, when Christmas rolls around and you're in a supermarket tutting about that dirty Christmas stock remember, that any staff within earshot is probably thinking about trying to open you with a blunt plastic box opener. I know I am! Gah, perhaps it's just me. I fucking hate Christmas as much as the next guy. Might as well call it Invite-Your-Horrible-Family-For-Dinner-So-They'll-Judge-You-And-Won't-Appreciate-It-And-Start-A-Massive-Fucking-Argument-About-Whether-Or-Not-Jukebox-Is-A-Valid-Word-In-Scrabble-Day.

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That Bitter Cashier guy is right, I think I'm gonna tell him!